


Goodbyes are always hard

by littlequeen1



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Drama, E-mail, Frustration, Kids and wags don't exist, Loneliness, Love Confessions, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-06-20
Packaged: 2018-06-05 05:59:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6692377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlequeen1/pseuds/littlequeen1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Iker left Real Madrid because he thought this was the best for everyone. Cristiano's life becomes worse and worse every day because of Iker's decision. He sends him mails every now and then.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Unanswered e-mails

**Author's Note:**

> Oh God it's been a long time since I started writing this. I decided to end it now eventually because what I had first in my mind demands time and dedication and I don't have them this and the following year so... Here it is! Far away from what I had imagined but.. I think it's good.  
> Enjoy it :-)

  
To: Iker Casillas@gmail.com  
From: Cristiano Ronaldo@gmail.com  
Date: 15-07-2015

Iker,  
How are you? What are your impressions of my country? Portuguese people are very friendly. I'm sure you've felt it too. We haven't talked since you left Madrid, so I decided to sent you this mail. I know you must be busy, so I guess this is the reason you don't answer to my calls.

Today was the first practise without you. It was weird. I entered the lockers room here in Melbourne but you weren't there as usual. You were always there before me, before everybody else waiting for us. This is a big change. I guess I'll get used to it. But I'm still a bit lost. During the training I wasn't able to concentrate on the instructions of our new couch or the ball. I was in my own universe. I don't know how to explain it. It just wasn't me who was kicking the ball, running or existing. I was thinking about you some times. I was thinking about how you would shout on me if you were there and watched me playing like I was. We would fight for that as we have many times in the past. You were always saying that I can be the number one but I have to believe it. That when you want something you have to believe in it. Well, now I want you to come back. But you won't. And it doesn't matter what I believe. Anyway...

Call me when you can. Just for two minutes. I want to hear your voice. Please, call me.

Cristiano

To: Iker Casillas@gmail.com  
From: Cristiano Ronaldo@gmail.com  
Date: 22-07-2015

Iker,  
You didn't call me. Perhaps you didn't even checked your mails. I understand you are in a new environment, so you may need time to adjust before you do simply stuff you used to do like checking your mails every night. I can wait. Take your time.

I don't know if you read the news, but if you did, you've learned that I don't get along with Benitez. I was overreacted in the training this morning, but I had a good point. Right? Ugh, I am confused. I don't know what I do and I hate it. If you were here you would advise me. And then I wouldn't like what you suggested and we would argue and..  
Great memories!! You were almost every time right but I was always doing the opposite. And every time I would use the silent punishment till I messed it all up and I needed a shoulder and a hug to cry. You were always there for me whatever had happened. Thank you. I've never said you how much I appreciate it. You're a good friend.

Whenever you get comfortable with your new team and country, please call me. I miss you.

Cristiano

 

To: Iker Casillas@gmail.com  
From: Cristiano Ronaldo@gmail.com  
Date: 19-08-2015

Iker,

You never called me. You never sent me an e-mail back either. It's been more than a month since we talked. Maybe more. Why don't you call me? Haven't you got used to Portugal yet? You must have found some time to check your mails. Right? It's been a long time since you moved on.

Yesterday it was our match against Galatasarai in Bernabeu. I guess you watched it. Did you see what great chance I lost? I couldn't believe it! I don't know what's going on with me. I am different. I am kinda lost since you left. And I really miss you. I miss you so much. I watch every game of yours again and again. And every time I try to read your lips. I try to hear your voice. Even a single word. I hope that the camera has caught your voice. Because, Iker, I need to hear you. Please, I need you.

I beg you to call me. I have stopped calling you because your voice mail is always the one who answers. Just for two minutes. I need to hear you are okay. Please...

Cristiano

 

  
To: Iker Casillas@gmail.com  
From: Cristiano Ronaldo@gmail.com  
Date: 19-08-2015

Iker, I had already understood by myself that you don't want to contact me. I was just hoping that I was wrong. But...I'm not...  
  
Sergio told me that you speak with him every now and then. He told me that you don't want to talk to me. I guess you haven't read my mails even. Or you have read only the first one. I need you to know in case you decide to read this that you are still my friend. I am not mad on you for not replying to me. I am just sad. Because I want you to come back. I want you to be my captain again and I want you to calm me down after a defeat. I want you to celebrate with me after a win and I want you right now when I feel lonely. I'm sorry I am too emotional but honestly I don't know what to do without you. I miss you so much.

Please call me or text me or anything if you read this. Then, I promise to leave you alone. Iker I....Just call me.

Cristiano

 

  
To: Iker Casillas@gmail.com  
From: Cristiano Ronaldo@gmail.com  
Date: 5-09-2015

  
Iker,

I got it. You don't want me as a friend of you anymore. I guess you just ignore my mails. But I have nobody else. So, I'm continuing to send you mails. I mean I do have other friends but they aren't you. I don't know the reason but what I write to you, I can't tell them to anybody else. Maybe cause you were my captain for many years and I trust you more. You were always the one I could trust with my soul.

Yesterday, I didn't manage to score against France. The whole country was expecting a goal from me and I disappointed them. I haven't score for la liga neither. You already know. Um, I watched your match with Spain. You did great. You seem in a better condition. You seem...happy! I'm glad for you! Even though I want you back, I have to admit that your move to Porto was positive for you. As you said during that interview, you can see it on your face. The difference. You got over Real Madrid. The club, the president, your former teammates, me...

I, um, I...I am a bit broken at the moment. I wish you were here to comfort me. To hug me and wipe out my tears as you used to do when I needed you. You're not and you don't want to be. It's hard to accept it but I will. At least, I'll try. Oh, I need you to know that I still feel lonely without you but once I had promised to you that I will always fight until my last breath. This is what I do for now.

Cristiano

 

 

  
To: Iker Casillas@gmail.com  
From: Cristiano Ronaldo@gmail.com  
Date: 5-09- 2015

  
Iker,

I can't stand this situation. I'm crazy that I send you a mail at 3 am but I miss you. Please, I just had a dream of you and I don't what's happening. It's like my friendship with you....I don't know....somehow became the most special relationship in my life. Weird. My feelings for you are more intense. What's goin' on with me? Huh? Please, help me!! I'm confused!

Cristiano

 

 

  
To: Iker Casillas@gmail.com  
From: Cristiano Ronaldo@gmail.com  
Date: 29- 04- 2016

  
Iker,

  
It's been a really long time since the last time I wrote. You don't read or answer to my mails anyway, so....I guess you didn't notice it.

I didn't forget about you. I didn't get over your move to Porto. Things happened since my last mail. Things changed. I seem much better on the field. Maybe I am. People believe that I overcame my problems. But they don't have a clue about what is in my mind. The truth is that I'm calm now. Peaceful. I don't feel lost or depressed. I'm fine. And you know why? Because I don't care about anything anymore. I am empty but not as I was when you left. Then, I could feel the pain. Now I feel nothing. I accepted my role in this damn world. I accepted the reason of my existence and here I am. All alone in front of my laptop typing some words to the only person I want to speak to but he doesn't. I'm not going to bother you forever. Don't worry. Only one mail left. Okay?

Seven until now. My shirt. One more. Your shirt.

Cristiano

 

  
To: Iker Casillas@gmail.com  
From: Cristiano Ronaldo@gmail.com  
Date: 20-05-2016

  
Iker,

Happy birthday!! Sweet 35!! Here I am. The last mail as I promised. It's really hard to find the right words at the moment. I'm too emotional.

I am into your house in Madrid. I still have the keys you had given me once. It's a beautiful night. I am in your bedroom next to the window watching the stars. The weather is hot although it's past midnight. The perfect conditions! I am wearing your clothes. Don't freak out, please. I am going to explain you everything.

When you left, my whole world collapsed. Your absence was a knife into my heart. I didn't know why I was feeling so bad. It took me months to accept....that you weren't just a friend. Not just even my best friend. Iker I....I am in love with you. I know this is crazy but this is how I feel. I swear I don't know how this happened but I so fucking love you and I can't live without you. My words are so cliche, I didn't aim to be. Oh God I can't put my feelings in this last mail. So pathetic. Iker you are the one who is good with words. Ugh... This is a goodbye Iker. I am leaving you alone for good. You will never ever again listen about me. You will never see me again. You can live your life now. Without me. Without the past. I know that I am the only one who still tries to contact you. So I make you free. You are free to live the life you chose. Something I didn't do. I wasn't able to continue live without you. I tried and I failed. I hate this word but it't true. I failed.

It's pointless to write more. I don't even know what I wrote. The tears in my eyes are not helpful either. I want you to know that I love you from the bottom of my heart. This only matters. I'm leaving now for good. I hope you will have a happy life. Good bye Iker. I love you!

Always yours,  
Cristiano

 

 


	2. Send or Cancel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I am so obsessed with writing the finale that I almost forgot to post the second chapter. Tragic. Anyway...

To: Cristiano Ronaldo@gmail.com  
From: Iker Casillas@gmail.com  
Date: 16-07-2015

  
Cristiano,

I'm fine. I have already loved Portugal. How couldn't I? It's your home. Yeah, I've been pretty busy lately. But this is not the reason I don't answer to your calls. Please, try to understand me. I want to forget the past. I want to start over my life and I can't do this if I don't interrupt every kind of contact with people or stuff that bone me with Madrid.

  
It's really odd to me too. I mean the whole situation. I grew up in Madrid. The team was my second home. I still don't know how to handle the change. The time I spend into Porto's lockers is a torture. Memories are always deluging my mind when I watch my new teammates making jokes and laughing. Sometimes I can't stand them up. They are all of them so kind but...they aren't you. They will never mean to me what you guys mean to me. Especially Sergio and you, Cristiano. I want you to know that I didn't forget you. I try but I can't. I hope things will get better soon for all of us.

Last but least, Cristiano, you don't need me. You are the number 1. You are a man now. Yes, I'm saying it even now, you have to believe in yourself. That's all though. You made it. You are the best because you reached your peak. That makes you the best. The fact that you utilize your abilities exceedingly. Trust me.

Please don't make it any harder for me. I mustn't talk to you. I don't have the strength to stay away from Madrid, from Real, from you... We shouldn't talk, okay?

Iker

 

 

 

  
**Send _Cancel_**

 

 

 

 

To: Cristiano Ronaldo@gmail.com  
From: Iker Casillas@gmail.com  
Date: 23-07-2015

 

Cristiano,

  
I miss you too. More than you can imagine. I'm sorry Cris. I can't call you. If I do this, I know that I will make a decision to come back to you that moment. I try Cris. I try very hard to press the starting button. I promised to myself that I will do it because this is the right thing to do. Because it's the best option for all of us.

I'm following every step of yours. I am aware of you. You need time. This is my advice. Let the time fix everything. Your life will be back to normal when you accept the reality. I'm not there anymore Cris. There are things you don't know which changed our old good times. Of course I remember everything. Of course I miss it. Furthermore, I have to move on. We must move on both Cris.

I'm not sure if I am a good friend. A good friend says always the truth to his buddy but I didn't because I'm weak and I'm afraid that I will lose you forever...

Iker

 

 

 

 

 

**Send _Cancel_**

 

 

 

 

 

To: Cristiano Ronaldo@gmail.com  
From: Iker Casillas@gmail.com  
Date: 20-08-2015

 

Cristiano,

I'm sorry Cris. I'm really sorry. I'm sorry I can't reply to your questions. I'm sorry I don't answer the phone. I'm sorry I am not there when you need me. I'm so sorry Cristiano. Only God knows how much I miss you! I'm not expecting you to believe any of my words. I betrayed you. I had promised you once that we will retire together in Real Madrid and then travel the world. That's not gonna happen Cristiano. I'm so so sorry for this. But I had to move on without you. I wish I could change the reality but I'm not a magician. Feelings were always responsible for my decisions. My instinct. My heart. Not this time. I let logic decide. For the good of everyone.

Iker

 

 

 

 

  
**Send _Cancel_**

 

 

 

 

 

To: Cristiano Ronaldo@gmail.com  
From: Iker Casillas@gmail.com  
Date: 20-08-2015

 

Cristiano,

Yeah, I told Sergio that I don't have the willing to speak to you. I don't have the courage to tell you by myself.

Why aren't you mad at me? Cris you should be. You have every right to be. Maybe I seeked to make you feel angry. That would make things easier for me to say goodbye and leave you. I moved away for a new beginning but the truth is that my country, Real Madrid, you...didn't left from my head even for a second. The nostalgia I feel is flowing my supposed new life. I won't give up though. I won't return. Sometime I will forget. Perhaps after a few weeks, months, years...I will forget. But...forgive me. I am not able to call you. I want to hug you and whisper to you so many meaningful words. I want to fondle you, to ward off your negative energy, to restore you shining smile that I so much have missed. I miss you too Cristiano. I miss you too!

Maybe I am a coward but I'm sorry. I have to forget. I must forget.

Iker

 

 

 

 

 

**Send _Cancel_**

 

 

 

 

 

To: Cristiano Ronaldo@gmail.com  
From: Iker Casillas@gmail.com  
Date: 5-09-2015

 

Cristiano,

You do are my friend. You will always be. I have my reasons. I don't just ignore you. Of course you feel comfortable to share your thoughts with me. Our friendship was...is...unique. I...um...I....never mind.

I watch you too. You're not that bad. You need to find yourself. That's all. Now about me....I feel much better. I found peace here in Portugal but I still miss Spain. I am not happy Cristiano. I will never be. I just try to reduce the pain. I try to be adjust at the new datas. I am continuing the hard job for as long as it is possible. But I haven't got over something.

I wish I could be there too. I wish I could touch you again for a few minutes and then leave but I know that if that ever happened, I wouldn't be able to leave, so...

Iker

 

 

 

 

**Send _Cancel_**

 

 

 

 

 

To: Cristiano Ronaldo@gmailcom  
From: Iker Casillas@gmail.com  
Date: 5-09-2015

  
Cristiano,

What? What do you mean Cristiano? Oh God tell me that I haven't done the biggest mistake by leaving! Cristiano, please, tell me that you are just influenced by the dream you had. Yeah. That's it. It was the dream. Maybe you had a bad day too. My heart almost skipped a beat when I read your mail. I wasn't expecting it. You sent me two mails after the same day's midnight. What's goin'on? I'm worried now. I believed that it was the best for everyone my move but...I am not sure at the moment....

Iker

 

 

 

 

  
**Send _Cancel_**

 

 

 

 

 

To: Cristiano Ronaldo@gmail.com  
From: Iker Casillas@gmail.com  
Date: 29-04-2016

 

Cristiano,

What did I do to you? I hadn't realise it. Oh my God! I wish I could change my decision to leave.

Cristiano no! Just no! You must let yourself live every feeling. It's all my fault. I thought I was protecting you by leaving. I thought that this was the best for the team too.But no. I was selfish. I was blind. I couldn't see your feelings and what YOU needed and wanted because I couldn't endure the humiliation in front of you. I couldn't endure the rejection. I didn't want to lose you and I essentially forced me to lose you. I abandoned you in order to not be abandoned by you. I'm so sorry Cris. I hope you will forgive me and I hope you will want to see me again when we talk in person and tell you why I left.Yes, Cristiano. I'm coming back. I made my decision. Be patient for some days. We will talk again. I promise.

Give me only some days. I'm coming back.

Iker

 

 

 

 

**_Send_ Cancel**

 

 

 

> **Loading 95% _Cancel_     __**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... Have I answered to any of your possible questions or not yet? Comments would be great :-*


	3. NOT A REAL CHAPTER BUT YOU HAVE TO READ IT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well.... Here I am again. I have to apologise for my disappearance. I am not going to use fake or half true excuses. I could say that I was distracted by my exams but it's only partly true. Okay the truth is that I had lost my passion about writing. I was too happy to to spend time on writing even though writing does makes me happy too. It's just that I didn't want to spend time in my room when I could go out and hang out with my friends who I love so much. For the first time in my life I felt that I have friends who are something more. Family. I am desperate for love and pure happiness. This is the truth. 
> 
> Now my life is more complicated again. I have a lot of problems to deal with and I know my friends have their own problems too. I prefer to write in this case. It helps me a lot. So..... I think it's enough. I hope you're not too fed up with me.

**ATTENTION**

 

 

This is  **NOT** a chapter. I just had to explain some things about me and the story as well. 

_**Be careful** _

You will see that there are 5 chapters. Actually the story has 3 chapters. The 3rd one, the one you're reading at the moment, is NOT a real one. 

The 4th chapter is the happy ending the most of you want to read. 

The 5th chapter is the tragic ending some people might like. 

Now if you want a happy ending, read the 4th chapter. If you want a tragic ending, go to the 5th chapter directly. If you are curious, read both. But they are familiar. I use the same structure. 

 


	4. Happy ending

I've been expecting this for a long time. I can't believe that I'm back to my favourite Madrid. I am so happy! I can't hide the pure happiness from my face. Everything is so beautiful tonight. The weather conditions are perfect as usually and the stars shine more than ever. It's like the little golden dots in the sky wear their most stunning dress to welcome me. Under the fantastic celebration in the dark blue, the city is quiet. It's too late for this area of Madrid. Only the lights betray that you are still not too far away from the city centre. As the taxi driver puts on some pop Spanish music to break the silence. And... Finally I'm home.

I give a generous tip to the mid aged man who brought me to my house and I direct straight to my house's front door with one suitcase in each hand. I'm standing in front of the door when I notice the light coming from my bedroom. 'What the hell?'. Obviously, I didn't forget to turn it off almost a year ago. ' Is it a thief? It could be'. Crap. I'm calling the police.

After some minutes, I decide to go in. Nobody has made a noise so far. The police hasn't appeared yet, so I grab a heavy item and go slowly to my bedroom. I hesitate to go in as I see the door half opened but I feel that nobody is there so I enter the room. The thing I had taken to my hands few seconds ago falls down. My eyes are wide open and I feel my body trembling. Cristiano is lying on my bed. 'What is he doing here?'. I run to him and I try to wake him up.  
\- Cristiano? Cristiano? Hey! Wake up! Cris!  
Nothing. No reaction. I push him a bit but his eyes continue to being closed. 'Something is wrong'. He breaths but his pulse isn't normal. And that moment I notice an empty box of pills next to his pillow. 'Oh no. NO! Cristiano tell me that you didn't.....' I start panicking. 'It's all my fault. Cristiano please....Just no!' I don't even realize the cops that have come in.  
\- What's happening here?, the policeman asks shocked ( I could say) as he watches me crying above Cristiano's body.  
\- He...he.....Call an abulance right now!, I scream and everybody stares at Cristiano scared. I'm sure everybody wonders the same thing....Is it too late?

Fortunately, it hasn't passed more than five minutes and the abulance is already here. The doctors do everything to save his life. I'm not sure what I do. I obey to the experts' orders when they insist that I must be optimism and pray but the very next moment I feel tears burning my cheeks and a strong pain inside me breaking my heart into pieces.

I sit alone in the hospital's hallway trying to control my breath and then letting me again to be lost into the nightmare. ' Cristiano why? Why did you do that? It is my fault right? It is my fault....'

Suddenly I feel a hand on my right shoulder and I quickly stand up. The next thing I understand is Sergio's aftersave. I hug him so tight but he doesn't say a word. He lets me cry.  
\- He's dying Sergio! He's dying and it's my....  
\- Shhh! Don't say that. Cristiano isn't the type who just give up everything when the situation is difficult.  
\- But he's already done it. He made a suicide. For somebody like him, for a fighter, this is... I don't know....I've never expected that Cristiano would ever do something like this. It's my fault! Sergio? What did I do to him?  
\- No, Iker. Don't blame yourself. Your only mistake was leaving Madrid. But how could you have known? Last year was hard for all of us. Cristiano's behaviour to you was awful. You couldn't know his feelings about you.  
\- Sergio, what are you talking about?  
\- About what he wrote to you at his last mail. You know....the one which is written some minutes before he...  
\- What mail? Sergio what mail?  
\- Oh! You didn't check your mails tonight.  
\- No, I was travelling. I went home from the airport directly. I didn't check them.  
\- If you didn't read it, why are you in Madrid?  
\- I came back. For him...  
\- Oh God!

Sergio sit down silent. I sit down next to him.  
\- Sese, what does the mail says and how do you know?  
\- He gave me his password yesterday. I was surprised. He said that I will need it in case I call him and can't find him. So that's what I did. I called him today at 7 o' clock to remind him something we had planned. And I read the last mail he sent as he had pointed to me to do. When I saw you here, I thought that's why you're in Madrid.  
\- No, I had made my decision to return almost a month ago when I received a mail from him.  
\- Oh. Then you soul read this one too Iker. I have to inform the others. I'm going to make some calls. If you're here since yesterday night when Cris...lots of hours. Are you going to be okay alone?  
\- Yeah. Go.

I don't believe what I read. ' Cristiano....if I knew, I would never have gone. Why? Why dear God? Why?'. My tears are hotter than ever. I'm half lying on the hospital's floor with my phone in my hands blaming myself for everything. He must live. He must. Soon I fall asleep.

Talking. I can hear people talking. I open my eyes slowly and see the whole Real Madrid team surrounding me. Sergio hugs me excited.  
\- He is alive! Iker he is alive!  
I can't keep.my tears from happiness this time. Cristiano is alive! Thank God. I ignore everyone else and go to find him. To explain. I ask where exactly they have him and go in without asking for permission. Nobody tries to stop me. I guess Cristiano is awake.

I stand hesitantly in front of him. He looks at me deeply and tries to understand what's happening. I guess. I make a few steps ahead slowly and then I just burn in his arms. He is alive and totally fine. He stands in front of me smiling. Suddenly, I've lost my words. I hug him and fondle and kiss him.  
\- Iker? How....what are you doing here? I thought you didn't want to see me again.  
\- Shh. Cristiano, I'm here. Okay? When I found you in my bed and realized that I could lose you forever, I understood...  
\- Wait! You found me? But I took the pills right after I sent the mail.  
\- I was coming back. Didn't they tell you?  
\- No. I woke up an hour ago and the doctors said only that they saved my life. They told me that Sergio and the rest are here. The nurses helped me to get dressed when I felt better. I was wondering why none of the people outside visited me as I was fine. Now I see. Sergio read the last mail I sent you I guess and he wanted you to be my first visitor.  
\- Yes. We talked.  
\- Oh.  
\- Cristiano, I read it too.  
\- Iker I....  
\- I love you too. I've been in love with you for years Cristiano.  
\- .....  
\- .....

\- So why did you leave?  
\- After we lost every title last year we had a discussion. If you remember we had fought badly. You had told me that the team may have won everything if it had a better goalkeeper. I asked you if you wanted me to leave and you replied that maybe that was what I had to do.  
\- Yeah. I remember now. Iker I didn't mean anything. I was mad. I asked you to forgive me the other day and you did. I never thought that you took it that seriously. I didn't mean it.  
\- Yes, Cristiano, you did mean it. You may have changed your mind but that season...you meant it.  
\- Iker...  
\- I'm sorry Cris. I couldn't be close to you after that. I couldn't see you every day and think that the man I love wants me to disappear. I couldn't stay and consider that I bother your career. I didn't have the guts to tell you how I feel. I thought I would lose you forever if I told you. So, I left. Iran away. And then I started missing you. I've read all of your mails. I always responded and then deleted them. I had promised to me that I will let you live without me to keep your career back and I tried to make a new start myself too. It'd never happen. But I was continuing the efforts. I'm sorry Cristiano. I'm really sorry...  
\- Shh. I don't care. You are here. I love you too much Iker to waste another minute away from your lips.

I smile to him truly and close the gap between us. I press my lips to his softly. I break the kiss for a moment but don't make a step back. I want to feel his breath against my lips just to get sure this is real. I calm down immediately. I smile and feel incredibly peaceful and then Cristiano kisses me again and I leave the passion to light fireworks between our lips.

 


	5. Tragic finale

I've been expecting this for a long time. I can't believe that I'm back to my favourite Madrid. I am so happy! I can't hide the pure happiness from my face. Everything is so beautiful tonight. The weather conditions are perfect as usually and the stars shine more than ever. It's like the little golden dots in the sky wear their most stunning dress to welcome me. Under the fantastic celebration in the dark blue, the city is quiet. It's too late for this area of Madrid. Only the lights betray that you are still not too far away from the city centre. As the taxi driver puts on some pop Spanish music to break the silence. And... Finally I'm home.

I give a generous tip to the mid aged man who brought me to my house and I direct straight to my house's front door with one suitcase in each hand. I'm standing in front of the door when I notice the light coming from my bedroom. 'What the hell?'. Obviously, I didn't forget to turn it off almost a year ago. ' Is it a thief? It could be'. Crap. I'm calling the police.

After some minutes, I decide to go in. Nobody has made a noise so far. The police hasn't appeared yet, so I grab a heavy item and go slowly to my bedroom. I hesitate to go in as I see the door half opened but I feel that nobody is there so I enter the room. The thing I had taken to my hands few seconds ago falls down. My eyes are wide open and I feel my body trembling. Cristiano is lying on my bed. 'What is he doing here?'. I run to him and I try to wake him up.  
\- Cristiano? Cristiano? Hey! Wake up! Cris!  
Nothing. No reaction. I push him a bit but his eyes continue to being closed. 'Something is wrong'. He's not breathing!  
\- He's not breathing!

I can hear myself screaming out panicked. I press his chest and then try the technical breath over and over. I plead him. I beg him to wake up but nothing. He doesn't react. And that moment I notice an empty box of pills next to his pillow. ' Oh no. NO! Cristiano tell me that you didn't.... It's all my fault. Cristiano please... Just no!' I don't even realize the cops that have come in.  
\- What's happening here?, the policeman asks shocked (I could say) as he watches me crying above Cristiano's body.  
\- He...he....Call an abulance right now!  
I shout and everybody stares at Cristiano scared. I'm sure that everybody wonders the same thing...Is he dead?

It hasn't passed more than five minutes and the abulance has already been here. The doctors just reassure what we've all already known. Cristiano....is gone! I sit alone in my room where Cristiano left his breath. I can't control my tears which burn my cheeks. I'm completely lost. I try to understand what has happened but I can't. ' Cristiano why? Why did you do that? It is my fault, right? It is my fault...'

Suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulders but I don't make a single move. It's one of the cops. He mourmours his "sorrys" and he immediately says what he discovered.  
\- We checked his laptop which was next to him. We found his last mail. He wrote it. He wrote it in some way that he...you know... Um...he sent it to you. We will leave you alone. You must read it.  
I just nodded too weak to respond.

When everybody leaves, I go in to check it.

* * *

  
Iker,

Happy birthday!! Sweet 35!! Here I am. The last mail as I promised. It's really hard to find the right words at the moment. I'm too emotional.

I am into your house in Madrid. I still have the keys you had given me once. It's a beautiful night. I am in your bedroom next to the window watching the stars. The weather is hot although it's past midnight. The perfect conditions! I am wearing your clothes. Don't freak out, please. I am going to explain you everything.

When you left, my whole world collapsed. Your absence was a knife into my heart. I didn't know why I was feeling so bad. It took me months to accept....that you weren't just a friend. Not just even my best friend. Iker I....I am in love with you. I know this is crazy but this is how I feel. I swear I don't know how this happened but I so fucking love you and I can't live without you. My words are so cliche, I didn't aim to be. Oh God I can't put my feelings in this last mail. So pathetic. Iker you are the one who is good with words. Ugh... This is a goodbye Iker. I am leaving you alone for good. You will never ever again listen about me. You will never see me again. You can live your life now. Without me. Without the past. I know that I am the only one who still tries to contact you. So I make you free. You are free to live the life you chose. Something I didn't do. I wasn't able to continue live without you. I tried and I failed. I hate this word but it't true. I failed.

It's pointless to write more. I don't even know what I wrote. The tears in my eyes are not helpful either. I want you to know that I love you from the bottom of my heart. This only matters. I'm leaving now for good. I hope you will have a happy life. Good bye Iker. I love you!

Always yours,  
Cristiano

 

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' I can'f believe it! Oh my God! What did I do?' I'm so upset. I'm a mess! I am breaking everything standing in front of me while I'm walking from the one side of the room to the other constantly. I curse and I want to die. If only I could change my life to his! But I fucking can't. I can't fix anything. He's gone! He's dead. I'm suffering from pain but I deserve it. Not knowing what to do I feel the urge to do what I had to before. I owe it to him.

 

 

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To: Cristiano Ronaldo@gmail.com  
From: Iker Casillas@gmail.com  
Date: 20-05-2016

 

Cristiano,  
I'm sorry. I am so sorry! I don't really know what to say. I owe you an apology and the truth.

I left because I thought you would reject me. After we lost every title last year we had a discussion. If you remember we had fought badly. You had told me that the team may have won everything if it had a better goalkeeper. I asked you if you wanted me to leave and you replied that maybe that was what I had to do.  
And I love you. I love you so much. I'm sorry Cris. I couldn't be close to you after that. I couldn't see you every day and think that the man I love wants me to disappear. I couldn't stay and consider that I bother your career. I didn't have the guts to tell you how I feel. I thought I would lose you forever if I told you. So, I left. Iran away. And then I started missing you. I've read all of your mails. I always responded and then deleted them. I had promised to me that I will let you live without me to keep your career back and I tried to make a new start myself too. It'd never happen. But I was continuing the efforts. I'm sorry Cristiano. I'm really sorry...

You are an angel now, Cristiano. You always were for me... I miss you already. I hate that I never told you how I feel. I hope that I will when I come to you. Something tells me that it won't be after a long time. No I'm not going to kill myself. I just can't live without you. That's enough to bring me close to you in a natural way. So goodbye for now. See you soon.

Iker

 

 

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**Author's Note:**

> Well... What do you think? I have some scenarios in my mind about the ending. Your comments and your feelings would help me to pick one. Kudos would be appreciated too :-)  
> See ya soon :-*


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